The Real Reason We Choose Silence

And a new approach to hard conversations

I sat under a conference room’s fluorescent lights on a cloudy day in March 2018 as the man in front of us gave a presentation on sexual assault. My eyes heavy from a full day of training, I rested them on the steam slowly rising out of the mug of tea before me. Suddenly, he shared something that jolted me awake. In disbelief, I scanned the slide to make sure I heard him correctly.

He was speaking about a survivor’s experience of disclosure, of sharing about their assault with someone in their life. The research on the slide explained it thoroughly.

A negative reaction from the first person a survivor discloses to is correlated with increases in PTSD, depression, self-blame, isolation, and the length of time it may take to heal.

My heart began to race. The experience of someone’s words and their reaction can cause a level of trauma to a survivor that could rival the trauma of the assault itself.

But as I tried to wrap my head around this, something didn’t add up. Survivors weren’t approaching strangers on the street to disclose about this incredibly personal and traumatic event. They were disclosing to family members, best friends, partners; individuals who care deeply about their wellbeing, people who love them.

What was happening in these conversations? Why were they falling so short of how the survivor had imagined the conversation would go?

You’re a well-meaning person. You wouldn’t want to cause harm to a survivor, as anyone who knows and loves a survivor wouldn’t want to either. Maybe the disconnect occurring during these disclosures wasn’t ever about insensitivity or a lack of care on the part of the loved one, but something else entirely.

I want you to try to recall a time when you shared something personal with someone in your life and their response fell short, or worse, even caused you additional harm or emotional pain. Does a conversation come to mind?

Try to remember a time when you walked away from a conversation a loved one started with you wishing that you’d reacted differently… said something better… been less defensive… the list goes on and on.

The point is, we’re human. We try our best. And sometimes our best means putting our foot in our mouth or getting really anxious and saying the wrong thing.

And when the stakes are high, as they are when you are hearing about someone you love having been assaulted, you may react from a far more emotional place than you would have liked.

To complicate things, responding to trauma is not easy, it is not intuitive. It asks you, in large part, to disregard your natural wiring.

That’s not to say responding to trauma can’t be done well, but it does require some training…Some time to sit with your own emotions ahead of time…An understanding of how to best show up for this important conversation.

Empowered Conversation is the answer to this very human struggle we have. We care, and do not want to harm those we love. At the same time, we also have our own complicated emotions and natural responses to sad things and hard truths.

These two seemingly-conflicting elements are at the core of what makes hard conversations so hard.

Our tool meets you, as the responder to these hard conversations, right where you are at. Because that is always the best place to start.

So how does Empowered Conversation work?

If someone in your life wants to tell you they experienced assault…are transitioning genders, coming out…they have cancer…are struggling with mental illness…addiction…the loss of a loved one, they can activate our tool by providing us with your number.

You will receive a text from our site letting you know that someone you love wants to have a hard conversation with you. In the text, you are provided with a link to a quick video on that specific topic. By watching the video, you equip yourself with the language to use and information you need in order to be most helpful. You are also given time, to be able to process your feelings in advance so they aren’t placed on your loved one during the conversation.

When you complete the video, a text message is automatically sent by our site to the person in your life who activated our tool, letting them know you have viewed our video. This allows them to initiate the conversation from a much more empowered place, knowing you have had the time to emotionally prepare and have a basic understanding of how to navigate responding to the topic of the conversation they want to have with you.

Hard conversations are hard for a reason. They tend to be ones we don’t want to have. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have them. The conversations that are hardest are the ones we need to have most (thanks, therapy).

But, if your loved one is already struggling, the thought of sinking even a little bit lower because of a negative reaction from someone they care about can feel unbearable. So much so that they may end up not saying anything at all.

When someone you love takes a deep breath, looks across the table at you and says, “I have something I need to tell you,” what they are really saying is, “I need to be vulnerable, can I trust you?”

By using Empowered Conversation, you are letting them know your answer to that question is a resounding, “Yes.”

Now is the time to start showing up for these conversations in a radically more empowered way. I hope you’ll join us.

Empowered Conversation will be piloting with sexual assault disclosure conversations this fall in partnership with the sorority system at The University of Michigan. You can find more information at www.empoweredconversation.com